UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTING OUR CHILDREN THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
As humans we feel pain, hurt, sadness, suffering, loss, happiness, joy, and laughter. It is the universal thread that holds us together in one world. I have witnessed the moment that my own children became aware of this realization as well as the many young adults I’ve had the privilege of exposing to the far-reaching spaces, places and people throughout the world.
Our children are now grappling with one of the greatest challenges in history. It is difficult to imagine what they must be feeling as the entire population of young people are now tasked with navigating the world and looking toward their future in new ways unimagined til now. They need our guidance facing the unprecedented COVID-19 virus.
We know the most influential way our children learn is from the actions we as elders and adults model for them. The adrenaline rush of the first 30 days of this crisis has now been replaced with exhaustion, heightened irritation, and – unfortunately less bandwidth. We have hit weary, both at work and at home—and it’s not over, yet.
While many of us have managed challenging times in our lives, this particular crisis is different for families in several ways:
This virus is new. Experts are still learning.
Standards, equipment, and supply chain for testing, treatment, and workplace safety have not been fully secured or uniformly embraced.
Human health impact ranges from mild symptoms to death.
Global and local economies have been shut down.
Households, communities, and even countries are socially isolated.
Planning beyond a day or week has been nearly impossible as events, information, and recommendations are still in high flux.
Not only has this experience been immediately upending, it may redefine how we live and work.
When we explore childhood brain development—or lack of development—it is helpful to understand, in dealing with our own children, the area of the brain that is involved in decision making . Thinking about the future and managing immediate gratification is not yet fully developed, and will not be until they reach their mid-20s (Gogtay et al., 2004). It is difficult for young adults to understand and accept many of the changes they are now facing – the loss of activities (some of which they have looked forward to for months or years), graduations, proms, college visits, or simply just being with friends. As parents it is our job is to manage where WE are ‘on this curve’ AND how we can and will support our families through this time as we ‘return’ to a new normal.
Equally as important is recognizing that as parents, we too are dealing with the challenges that Covid-19 has presented while our lives at work and at home are now colliding. With stress and concerns made worse by this virus, no one needs the added pressure of having all the answers.
While the initial ‘response’ phase of COVID-19 is possibly over we are now in the hard ‘middle’ of the road phase. We have the ability to influence what that looks like at home and with family. Here’s how you might support and enter this new middle chapter.
Recognize it can be hard to transition from work-mode to home-mode.
Children thrive on routine and predictability. Create and model it for them, whether it’s simply getting up and getting dressed in the morning or planning scheduled mealtimes to gather.
Focus first on learning about what your child’s state of mind (or emotional well-being) – ask them, “How was your day? What’s on your mind?”
Empathize. THEN, share where you are emotionally.
Avoid empty or over-used phrases about your day such as: “It’s been crazy,” or “I’m fine.”
Before you re-enter the family and homelife, take a break, walk around the block. Listen to music for a few minutes. Sit in your car and pause – take a moment. Let your head clear. Then, re-enter ‘home mode.’
Motivate yourself and your family to get outside – for fresh air, space, and clarity.
Acknowledge the challenges and share this time in history with your children. Let them know that you too are faced with figuring out how to cope with this ever-changing situation – and, you will do it together. That’s what families do in times of crisis.
Everyone is trying to make the best of an incredibly difficult situation—and as parents, sons, daughters, friends, spouses, we are doing our best, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Involving your children in the process will help them learn from this experience.
In the next weeks I hope to elaborate on some of the possibilities, joy, and gifts (yes, they are there…) that will greet us in the coming weeks and months as we travel this road together. Stay safe. Be well.
Donna Stein
Co-Director, The Road Less Traveled